Happy 4th of July Dominaria!
by Jose Philipe Mendola
Summary: Like the last big holiday, the 4to of July has setteled over dominaria. Read about how a plethora of characters celebrate the holiday, and the hilarity that ensures. R


Happy 4th Of July Dominaria  
  
Jose Philipe Mendola  
  
Legal Notice- I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this fic. They are copyrighted material of Wizards Of The Coast. I have not seen any money from this fic, nor am I asking for any. But, for all of you 'special interests' out there, keep those donations coming in. Jose needs some new shoes. Er, I mean, it costs Jose to think. Costs him lots.  
  
Authors Note: Some of these characters may very well be dead to the creators, but to me, their memory lives on. That and it's not too much fun without most of them. Except Kamahl. Kamahl sucks big time.  
  
Set Up: The following story spans the realm of the Magic universe. From Nemetta's tree in the Yavamian forest to Urza's beach house on Tolaria, keep a sharp eye out for Tsabo's bar in Phyrexia and Lord Of The Pit's Pit in- wherever in the nine hells it is. The Weatherlight's crew to Commodore Guff, Stand up and be proud of your independence Dominaria.  
  
Barrin was shaken awake. From the comfort and warmth of his dream, he was hurled into the warmth and comfort of his bed in Tolaria. Urza must have some kind of emergency on his hands to be waking him up at- 7 in the morning?  
  
Barrin rolled over and shielded his eyes from the sun that was coming in from his open window. Urza was still shaking him. He knew it was him only because he looked at the clock and saw his outline.  
  
'Up and at them!' Urza said cheerily 'We got a long day ahead of us!'  
  
'What in the world are you talking about?' Barring said, sitting up and squinting. He was still not able to see Urza completely. 'Why am I up so early? This is summer. It was created so people could sleep in.'  
  
'Sleep?' Urza bellowed before he started laughing 'How are you supposed to tan if you sleep inside? Come one old friend, we have to get moving.'  
  
Unfortunately, Barrin was now able to see. Urza had on a pair of sunglasses, and not too much else. If you have never seen Urza in a Speedo, don't make it a life goal. Then again, he might have been wearing sunscreen too.  
  
Urza ran from Barrin's room and into the kitchen. There, he had already made a cooler and stocked it full of necessary items. Food, sun block, CD player, CD's, power crystals, and a beach ball. Which was odd, even for Urza.  
  
Barrin threw on a cloak and walked out of his room.  
  
'What gives, Urza?' He asked his long time friend 'I've only seen you this happy once, and that was when you froze the world over in the Ice Age.'  
  
'The ice age is a miserable time.' Urza said, all happiness leaving him 'It was a mistake to do that. It's can get so damned cold now, things freeze over, artifacts freeze up, snow has to be shoveled. What a lousy weather pattern we must suffer through.'  
  
Barrin was starting to get it now. Evidently, Urza did not like the cold in the least. He was more of a summer person. Summer lover or not, did he have to wear that? Barrin averted his eyes.  
  
Urza threw a towel over his shoulder and turned to face Barrin.  
  
'Ready to go?' He asked.  
  
Barrin cracked his knuckles. Making a few gestures in front of his body, he conjured up a pair of shorts on himself. Along with that, a pair of sunglasses. Checking himself over, Barrin headed out the door, following Urza who had already left.  
  
'A very confusing mage, that one.' Barrin said to himself. Following  
Urza's lead, Barring headed down the road that would take them to  
Tolaria Beach.  
  
Lord of the Pit stepped back from his grill and it blew up in a  
fireball almost a foot from his face.  
  
'Maybe a little less lighter fluid next time.' He said to himself.  
Kicking through the 25 empty cans of Daragaaz Brand Lighter Fluid,  
Lord Of The Pit made his way over to the picnic table to the plate of  
uncooked meats. From burgers to 'Snausages', Lord Of The pit had it  
all.  
  
His mailbox had abandoned the colors of Red and Green and adopted red,  
white and blue. It was really just a paint job that covered the red  
and green from a few months earlier, but it still looked good. Tiki  
torches surrounded the rim of Lord Of The Pit's pit. Once the guests  
had arrived, it would be time to light them. But until then, he had  
some time.  
  
Lord of the Pit took off his Yankees hat and wiped the sweat form his  
forehead. It sure was hot in hell, even for July. IT was almost hot  
enough to jump into the pool. Oh, that was a chore to set up. Not only  
was it a pain in the ass to find someone to deliver the materials and  
construct it in hell, but also it was even harder to maintain the 75-  
degree water that was in it.  
  
Lord of the Pit tossed a few of the meats onto his Grill King 8  
Million and shut the lid. The meat was audibly cooking.  
  
Content for the time being, Lord of the Pit walked over to his lawn  
chair and stretched out. It sure was sunny. Nice day for a tan. But  
still hot. Reaching over to the small table that held his drink, Lord  
of the Pit drained the remainder of his Long Island Iced Tea.  
  
'I'm missing something.' He said to himself as he set the glass back  
on the small table. 'But what is it?'  
  
Lord of the Pit counted off a few things on his talons, but got hung  
up on one. He tapped that one finger and mumbled something to himself.  
  
'Oh, I know.' He said. Getting back up, he took off back into his  
hole.  
  
Coming out, he was now wearing a Dr. Sues type hat that was colored  
red, white, and blue. HE cocked it a little to the right and dusted  
his hands off. Fine work indeed.  
  
Lord of the Pit looked left and right. Seeing the coast was clear, he  
pulled a red duffel bag over the lip of his pit as well. Unlocking the  
padlock that was on the zippers, he opened it.  
  
A flood of fireworks poured out. He smiled and shoved them back in.  
This collection was 10 years big, and he going to put on one bitchin'  
fireworks show tonight. It was an odd thing, 10 years worth of  
fireworks collections all fitting in single duffel bag. One way or  
another, it was really cool.  
  
He stashed the bag under his lawn chair and pulled out his cell phone.  
It was a nice little flip-top-jobbie, and the graphic was of a  
football being kicked though an upright post.  
  
Punching a few buttons, he brought the phone up to his head and waited  
for an answer.  
  
The ringing stopped and a voice answered.  
  
'Go.' The receiver said.  
  
'Nemetta!' Lord of the Pit said 'I finally got a hold of you.'  
  
'Yeah, I just got back from Eldamari's 4th Annual Forest Funk Jam. I  
DID leave a week ago.'  
  
'Was it any good?'  
  
'Eh, it was decent. I got food, drinks and tried to hook up with an  
elf chick.'  
  
'How did that go?' Lord of the Pit asked.  
  
'Not well. Trying to explain the joke behind my 'big woody' line fell  
upon the humor dead.'  
  
'I'm sorry to hear that. Are you still up for today? I got a whole  
grill full of food, and the pool I cleaned and chemical updated.'  
  
'I don't see why not.' Nemetta said 'Is it my turn to bring Serra?'  
  
'Well, I don't think she's going to make it here on her own. More than  
likely drunk already, and I brought her to your Christmas party. So I  
think you should pick her up.'  
  
'Does she know that she's invited?' Nemetta asked 'I don't want to  
show up at her door and walk in on her with some guy.'  
  
'I don't think that will be a problem.' Lord of the Pit replied 'Just  
remind her that I have a fully loaded cooler of beer and she'll drop  
whatever she's doing and go with you.'  
  
'Ok then.' Nemetta said 'I'll see you in a few hours.'  
  
'It's a deal.' Lord of the Pit replied 'See you in a few.'  
  
'Later.' Nemetta said before he hung up.  
  
Lord of the Pit closed his phone and put next to his empty glass.  
Noticing that he did not have the cooler out yet, he made a motion to  
go back in the pit and get it. Taking a single step, he tripped over a  
sprinkler (that was currently off) and rolled down the edge of his pit  
and into his hole, smashing his couch, end table and TV.  
  
'Ow.' He said from the bottom of his pit.  
  
'I thought I would never get out of this damned place.' Commodore Guff  
said as he flipped the sign on the glass doors from open to close.  
Guff had been working in his library forever since he had his last  
vacation.  
  
'Wait, I never had a vacation before.' Guff realized 'What am I  
supposed to do with a vacation?'  
  
Walking quickly over to his dictionary, Guff looked up 'vacation'.  
  
"A time away from work and hassles." Guff quoted "A time for rest and  
relaxation. Also see 'R&R' 'Rest and laxatives?!' Guff demanded 'What  
kind of damned weirdo stuff is this?' He tossed the book in the air  
and it filed itself back into its place.  
  
Guff reached into his pockets and pulled out his suitcase. Checking it  
one more time, Guff made sure he was all set to go. Books, clothes,  
extra monocles, clean blue robe, sunglasses and fireworks. It looked  
like he was all set to go.  
  
He pulled a map out of the case and unfolded it. The map showed the  
infinite space (Confined on one big ass sheet) of the Magic universe.  
  
'Now where do I want to go?' He asked himself. 'Somewhere quiet.  
Someplace I can be alone. Places where I can get some work done. Where  
no one can find me, and a place I can go until I want to come back.'  
  
Guff pointed to a space on the map and nodded.  
  
'No one would be there. Looks like that's where I'm going.' Closing  
the map and putting it back into the case, Guff shut it and began his  
plainswalk.  
  
The space that had once been his library filled with every book ever  
written, a place where you could find anything about any subject  
folded around him. It crumpled into a small point of bright light and  
sped behind Guff. Other small pinpoints of light went past. Those were  
the plains of Dominaria and beyond.  
  
Guff saw the spot of light he was looking for and reached out to grab  
it.  
  
The new world folded out of the speck, creating quite the beach scene  
where Guff would stay for as long as he pleased. Content with his  
standing, Guff pulled a chair out of his pocket, put his suitcase down  
and sat on the chair. It was quiet, warm and the perfect place for  
fireworks later that night.  
  
'Excuse me.' A strong British accent said from behind him 'But I  
believe you are in my spot.'  
  
Guff turned around to see who was addressing him.  
  
It was a man in a dark cloak. He had very pale skin and shoulder  
length greasy black hair. He was also carrying a suitcase.  
  
'I believe I was here first.' The stranger said 'If it's not any  
trouble, I'd like my spot back.'  
  
'And who are you supposed to be?' Guff grunted as he stood up.  
  
'You don't recognize me?' the man said, seeming a little shocked 'I am  
Snape, potions master.'  
  
'Is that so?' Guff said 'And how the damn did you get here?'  
  
'Simple, you twit. I walked'.'  
  
Guff's eye's widened, despite being called a twit. Was this another  
Plainswalker?  
  
'Sir, I do say.' Guff started 'I did not mean to impose on your spot.  
I'll gladly move for you.' Guff moved his belongings and Snape set his  
own lawn chair he was carrying where Guff was 'Please, sit down. We  
have much to discuss.'  
  
'If it's about being able to walk between the Plains, I'd rather not  
right now. I've had the worst day teaching today. I swear, if it was  
not a vacation time now, I'm ready to kill someone.'  
  
'I think I like you.' Guff said as he laughed 'Tell me Mr. Snape, do  
you like chess?'  
  
'Honestly officer,' Bo Levar explained as his cargo was being  
confiscated ' I had no idea they were in there.'  
  
This was a very rare event. Hardly ever did Bo Levar get caught while  
smuggling. Normally it was imported cigars, but with the warm weather  
came new loads of equally illegal substances.  
  
'Let me get this straight,' the officer said 'You had no idea that  
YOUR boat was carrying 200 tons of fireworks, even though you JUST  
left port and checked over the shipment orders YOURSELF?'  
  
Bo shrugged.  
  
'That's about the size of it.'  
  
'That's a load of crap.' She said as she clapped him in irons  
'Private!' she called to her other officers. One stopped on deck and  
turned to face her. 'Get this thing emptied and into impound. This  
guy's going to the cells.'  
  
'Damn.' Levar said as he was hauled across his own deck and toward the  
Plains Enforcers ship 'Looks like it's back to the bring for me.'  
  
'If I have anything to do with it,' the arresting officer said 'I'll  
make sure you never see the light of day again.  
  
'You got nothing on me.' Bo replied 'I'll be back out in the Plains in  
an hour.'  
  
'We'll just see about that.' The Sergeant said.  
  
A weighted anchor fell from an airship that was suspended above the  
Caves of Kolis. It was a hot day above the sandy beach, but to set  
foot on the beach was to step foot on jagged rocks that would cut to  
the bone. It was a shame really, considering that the water was much  
nicer since the end of the Invasion.  
  
'Anchor weighed!' Thangarth yelled from the capstan wheel.  
  
Sissay waved the confirmation from behind the bridge. It had taken a  
few tries to find a place to go. Ideas were tossed out among the crew  
and places were visited. The only problem was they were either over  
crowded, or already in the hands of a not too friendly party.  
  
Sissay reached under the ship's wheel and fumbled through the small  
glove box. Coming up with The Club, she attached it to the wheel and  
secured it. It was hard work maintaining a ship, and she's be damned  
if she was going to loose it to a group of ship stealing thugs.  
  
'Charts are correct.' Hannah said from her navigation table. 'If my  
map reading is correct, which it usually is, we should be in the one  
spot of Kolis that has the least wind.'  
  
'Good work.' Sissay said 'Stow the maps and take a rest. We're off  
duty today.'  
  
'Yes captain.' She said before she took off down the hatch that led to  
the crew's quarters.  
  
Below deck, Gerrard was rummaging through his belongings as his search  
for his shorts continued. He could have sworn he packed them the last  
time he went home, but that was a long time ago. Why was it so easy to  
find his small knife when he needed it, but not his shorts?  
  
'This is ridiculous.' HE said as he dumped the contents of his dresser  
onto the floor. He began looking through those again.  
  
'Whatcha' lookin' for?' A voice behind Gerrard asked.  
  
'My shorts, Squee.' Gerrard said to the goblin cabin hand. 'You have  
not seen them, have you?'  
  
'Hmm, let me think.' Squee said.  
  
'That's dangerous.' Gerrard said to himself.  
  
'Nope.' The goblin replied. 'Cant say I've seem em'.'  
  
Gerrard got off of the floor and turned around to search his closet  
again. Squee caught his eye. The goblin was not running around in his  
normal red rags and beaten up shirt. He was now wearing a pair of  
pants that had a blue and black floral pattern to them. 'More of a  
Hawaiian print.' Gerrard would always say.  
  
Without warning, Gerrard lifted the goblin up by his head and held him  
at waist height. Squee wasn't wearing pants; he was wearing Gerrard's  
shorts!  
  
'You little punk!' Gerrard said as he put the goblin back on the  
ground 'Where did you get those? They're mine.'  
  
'In your room.' The goblin stammered.  
  
'Well give them back. I need them.' Gerrard ordered 'we're here on  
vacation, so I don't need this menace. Just hand them over.'  
  
Squee stepped out of the shorts and handed them to Gerrard. HE took  
them and held them at a distance, unsure of where they had been for  
how long.  
  
'Now scram.' Gerrard said 'I have to finish in here.'  
  
The goblin turned and ran out the door, slamming it behind him.  
  
Gerrard heaved a sigh and turned back around to face his room. It was  
in utter chaos. Clothes everywhere, tables overturned, closet open  
with its contents spilled on the floor. It would take a week to clean  
up in here.  
  
'But I'm on vacation.' He reasoned with himself 'So I'll do it later.'  
  
Content with his reasoning, Gerrard finished with his clothes and  
headed out toward the deck.  
  
In the depths of the ship's engine room, Karn sat in front of the  
engine. Since they had stopped a few minutes ago, it began to release  
its normal amount of steam and heat. Heat did not bother the silver  
golem, as he could not really feel it. Steam he enjoyed because it  
made him clean, and once he stepped out of the room; it would clean  
itself off in the cooler air.  
  
Karn reached into the engines core and extracted most of its insides.  
The Juju Bubble, Bones of Ramos and the Sky Shaper came out.  
  
'We're here for a vacation,' Karn rumbled to the pieces 'and a  
vacation you'll get.'  
  
Karn had planned to spend his (and the engines) vacation cleaning the  
various pieces that made the ship run. It had been ages since it had  
been last swept or polished, and he felt he owed it to the glorious  
craft.  
  
Karn broke out his small can of Multani's All Purpose Polish and found  
himself a rag. Working in what little light he had, Karn set off to  
work.  
  
The sickbay was empty for once. Orim was finally on vacation. She did  
not recall a time where the bay did not at least hold two people with  
injuries. But since the vote had been made to AVOID any fights, she  
had not seen any action in sickbay for close to three days.  
  
Orim walked quickly from table to table, each brewing something in a  
few of her many vials and flasks. It was almost work, and it kept her  
busy anyway. No one had asked her to make and of these things. She had  
figured it nice to create a new flavor iced tea for their 'vacation'.  
  
There was never really a vacation for a healer. Someone would come  
back with sunburn, or a grill burn, or something that would cause her  
to go back into her dark hold and get working again. But there was no  
point in complaining about that until it happened.  
  
'I think they're almost done.' She said as she walked past her brewers  
again. If this worked, it would be great. She could market them, brew  
a ton, and get a bigger sickbay on land somewhere-  
  
There was a knock on her door. She sighed.  
  
'Yes?' she called from tableside.  
  
'Burned on the grill.' Thangarth called through the door. 'Can I get  
something on it?'  
  
Orim walked over to the door and opened it. A Very large Minotaur was  
standing in her doorway.  
  
'Well, come on in.' Orim sighed.  
  
A healer's job was never done.  
  
Up on deck, Sissay had taken over the grill. Thangarth had done  
something to put his hand on it, so she had volunteered to take over.  
The coals were not even hot yet, so it would be a while before the  
food was put on to cook.  
  
Hannah had gone to her room to throw on lighter clothes, so for the  
time being, Sissay was alone.  
  
The wind from the plains lightly swept over the deck of the  
Weatherlight. It felt really good. It could have been worse. They  
could have docked outside of this cove-like rock formation.  
  
Sissay turned at the sound of someone coming up the aft stairs.  
Gerrard and Squee climbed out of he ship and onto the deck.  
  
'-and I don't care WHERE you found my sandals, they had my name on  
them.' Gerrard scolded the cabin boy.  
  
'Dey just lying in the head, so Squee take dem. Not like it life or  
death situation.'  
  
'You are such a pain.' Gerrard said. 'The only problem is, I can't  
think of a way to get rid of you.'  
  
'Oh Squee never leave.' The goblin laughed 'can't get rid of Squee  
that easy.'  
  
Gerrard looked around as the goblin continued jabbering. He noticed  
that the anchor was out, and knew for a fact that they were not over  
water. Since there was a cliff above them, Gerrard would bet that  
there was a pile of sand at the bottom too.  
  
'Hey Squee.' Gerrard said.  
  
'Huh?' The goblin asked in mid sentence.  
  
'Last one over the railing and into the water is an Orc.'  
  
'Ooh,' Squee grumbled 'I hate orcs.' Squee began to run toward the  
railing, Gerrard next to him.  
  
Just as Squee jumped, Gerrard halted. The goblin went sailing  
overboard.  
  
'Wee!' he yelled. Followed by 'Huh? Oh, craps.'  
  
Gerrard watched as Squee fell 75 feet and impacted onto a pile of  
sand. The resulting landing produced a puff of sand that drifted up  
then dissipated.  
  
'I love this job.' Gerrard said, making sure Squee got up and walked  
it off. The goblin did indeed so Gerrard tossed him down a 100-foot  
long rope that was tied to a brass monkey.  
  
'He'll be fine.' Gerrard said to Sissay, who came over to watch the  
goblin's climb back up.  
  
'I know.' Sissay replied 'Believe me, I know.'  
  
Serra Angel rolled over in her bed and looked at the clock. It was  
blurry and spinning in a faded circle around another clock in the  
center. She must have woken up drunk again. The empty bottles of  
Johnny Walker gave that away. Sure, no one would normally go to sleep  
drunk, but this angel was such a lush, she sleep-drank.  
  
'Another beautiful-' Serra checked one of the spinning clocks  
'Afternoon it is today.' She finished as she shielded her eyes from  
the much-too bright 20-watt bulb that she had left on. Her head, like  
always, was pounding. Quite the typical wake-up routine.  
  
Serra staggered up, almost falling over, and stepped away from her  
bed. Looking around her room, she figured that it would be good to  
clear out 12 years worth of empty alcohol bottles, but after she was  
sobered up.  
  
She had been saying that for 11 years and 6 months.  
  
'You know what would be good?' she asked the pink elephant all the  
alcohol had created her to hallucinate 'a nice hot shower. Now where  
did I put that toaster?'  
  
The pink elephant smiled and pointed to a pile of dirty robes and  
tarnished halos. Serra sorted through them and found her trusty  
toaster.  
  
'Mmm,' Serra said as she licked her lips and headed for the shower  
'Bathtub Toast. Thanks Pinky.' She said to the smiling elephant. It  
winked at her 'You haven't steered me wrong yet.'  
  
Serra turned to go into the bathroom, and the elephant vanished,  
returning to Serra's subconscious to return another time.  
  
Serra had a few drinks while showering, and had come out feeling like  
a new drunk. With a slight buzz already, Serra dressed (without a  
problem) and headed into her kitchen.  
  
If beer was the breakfast of champions, Serra must have been a god  
that morning. Finishing off two bottles of Jack Daniels, Serra got up  
to answer the ringing phone.  
  
'Hello?' she said after she managed to pick it up.  
  
'Good afternoon Serra.' A friendly voice said 'how are you feeling?'  
  
'Like I woke up drunk from a few bottles of pure malt liquor.' She  
said in all honesty.  
  
'So pretty good then?' the caller asked.  
  
'You know it.' Serra responded 'Wait- who is this?'  
  
'I'll give you two guesses.' The caller said 'I'm a living tree, very  
stiff and have no political sway.'  
  
'Al Gore?' (Badda- BING! (I think I'm hilarious.))  
  
'It's Nemetta you drunk.'  
  
'Oh, hi little guy.' Serra said, sounding pretty sober 'what can I do  
for you?'  
  
'I called to remind you that Lord of the Pit has invited us to his  
celebration later today. I'm supposed to pick you up in about an  
hour.'  
  
'Celebration?' Serra questioned as she walked over to her calendar  
'Let's see.' She traced over the days, checking off the days she had  
to, according to the calendar, 'buy more booze'. Well, that was marked  
for every day. Serra backtracked a day or two and stopped on the 4th.  
In small red lettering, it said '4th of July Celebration at Pit's  
house'. 'Well I'll be damned.' She said 'I completely forgot it was  
today.'  
  
'That mean's your going, right?' Nemetta asked.  
  
'Give me one good reason.' Serra pressed.  
  
'Alcohol and fireworks. Lots of them.'  
  
'You had me sold at 'alcohol'.' Serra said 'I'm good to go. Just swing  
by here on your way and we'll make an appearance.'  
  
'I'll drive.' Nemetta volunteered.  
  
'What? Why?' Serra demanded.  
  
'Because you're so drunk you forgot you were drunk.' Nemetta reminded  
her.  
  
'Shit.' Serra slurred 'Now why'd you have to go and do that?'  
  
'See you in an hour.' Nemetta said 'Bye.'  
  
'Bi?' Serra shouted 'I'm not bi! I love the coc-'  
  
'For the next hour, all pitchers are on sale for 3 dollars!' Tsabo  
yelled over the commotion in the bar 'and one per customer! And no  
sharing!'  
  
Damn, what a bunch of monsters these guys were. Could hardly get a  
word in edgewise.  
  
Tsabo sighed to herself as more Phyrexians piled into the already  
crowded bar. It was the 4th, so the place was more packed than usual.  
But that was not strange. The bars were always packed on Independence  
Day. But the crowds were always a little more rowdy.  
  
'What do we have on tap?' a Phyrexian shock trooper asked Tsabo as he  
fought his way to the bar.  
  
Tsabo had tired of this question since she had begun working here  
after Crovax had kicked her ass for getting her ass kicked by Gerrard.  
  
'Two Dogs, Mike's hard-'  
  
'He is?' the Phyrexian and Tsabo said at the same time, Tsabo with  
less than an amused tone.  
  
'-Lemonade,' Tsabo continued 'Guinness, Bud, Bud Lite, Corona, Corona  
Lite, Becks, Sam Adams and Red Stripe.'  
  
'It's beer!' The bar yelled at the mention of the Jamaican stripe  
'Horray beer!'  
  
'That's a tough choice.' The trooper said 'but I think I'm going to  
have to go with a Rum Runner.'  
  
'I hate this place.' Tsabo said to herself as she mixed the drink with  
two of her legs 'they ask what's on tap, and they get a mixed drink.  
If it were up to me, I'd rip each of them a new one.'  
  
'$3.10' Tsabo said as she put the drink down in front of the trooper.  
  
'$3.10!' The trooper demanded 'This had better be the best Rum Runner  
I've ever tasted.' He took a mouthful and put the glass back on the  
bar. 'You got lucky.' He mumbled as he pulled out his wallet.  
  
Tsabo took the money and put it in the till.  
  
Something near the door crashed. It sounded like something heavy had  
fallen to the floor. A few patrons backed away from whatever it was.  
Because she was behind the bar and creatures were in front of her,  
Tsabo could not see right off what it was. Extending on all legs,  
Tsabo raised herself up about 10 feet so she could see over the heads.  
  
It looked like something had been torn apart and tossed in the bar.  
Tsabo looked up above it and realized what it was.  
  
Not too long ago, a smart-ass Hydralisk had come into the bar and  
started some trouble. It was put 'out of commission' and hung on the  
wall as a warning, telling other Hydralisk that their kind was not  
welcome in. Evidently, one of the patrons had become intoxicated and  
walked into it, knocking it off the wall.  
  
'Whatever' Tsabo said as she returned to the bar 'It was starting to  
reek anyway.  
  
Just as Tsabo was about to take another drink order, the phone rang.  
  
Mirri floated around on a small inflatable raft in her personal spring  
–fed pool. It was just one of things that was on her land at the time  
of purchase. It was a good size, not exactly for Olympians, but it was  
still a good size. Big enough to swim a few laps in, but not so huge  
she was living on a lake.  
  
A small oven timer went off in Mirri's head. Somehow managing not to  
get wet, she turned over on her flotation device and began sunning her  
back.  
  
This was the life. All she needed now was a cabana boy. And she had  
just the guy in mind.  
  
Ever since she had a very discerning morning back in December, Mirri  
had almost lost all hope that she would ever get her wish.  
  
'Damn these human swim suits.' She said as she adjusted it again 'I  
don't know how anyone can fit into this.' Mirri had sent word to  
Gerrard that she was holding a gathering of some type. 'Lots of people  
will be here, so noting could possibly happen to you' type deal.  
Jumping to conclusions, Mirri had gone out and bought herself an ill-  
fitting bikini and top.  
  
Sure, the bottom was not made for her species, so she had to cut a  
small hold in the bottom half where her tail was, but it was all good.  
Well, most of it. Almost good anyway. The clothing was a little too  
tight, and every crevice and curve that it covered was pretty well  
accented. Hey, no one was perfect.  
  
Mirri looked up, thinking she heard something. Something that sounded  
like the engine of the Weatherlight. It was nothing. Probably a Hopper  
or something.  
  
Mirri had at one time been serving on the airship with Gerrard and his  
crew. Sure, she had a thing for him then, and she sure as hell did  
now. The crew had made a stop at Mirri's homeland. There, she ran into  
a warrior that had the hots for her for a while. Mirri was not about  
to admit to fooling around with him before she left to join Gerrard  
and his crew, but everyone knew what was going on.  
  
After the warrior had asked Mirri to stay with him, she turned him  
down. Angered, he went after Gerrard, challenging him to a duel type  
thing. Accepting, Gerrard pretty much kicked his ass. The elder  
explained to Mirri that she would be wasting it all, and that Gerrard  
probably would not love her, but love another. Quite possibly another  
on board of his ship.  
  
No way was Mirri going to accept that as her final answer. Putting up  
a fight with the elder, he summoned Gerrard into this hut. Questioning  
him there, the elder told Gerrard that another, outside of Hannah,  
loved him but Gerrard said something along the lines of:  
  
'I'll love no one but Hannah.'  
  
Well, for anyone else, that would have settled it, and no more would  
be said, and no one sought after. Not the case with Mirri.  
  
Mirri had since sought after Gerrard, sending personal invitations to  
any and every excuse for a local gathering. She took pictures of him,  
whether he knew it or not, and had tapes upon tapes of herself and  
other female cat warriors doing more of a 'Red' title that she hoped  
to send him.  
  
If getting Gerrard meant playing with the same gender in front of a  
filming camera, it was worth it.  
  
Mirri looked up from her flotation device again. No one was there.  
Yet. Set on not giving up yet, she lay back down and waited for  
Gerrard to show up.  
  
Nemetta walked over the window and turned up the Air Conditioning.  
Whenever he left his tree in the summer, he'd leave it on so he could  
return to a nice, frosted over tree. It felt good.  
  
Nemetta grabbed the keys to his Kia (Hey, pay for watching a tree was  
lousy), and headed for the door.  
  
Something in the kitchen caught his attention. Like his eyes were  
pried off of the door and dragged over to something else.  
  
There, on the counter, his biggest temptation sat.  
  
'Oh no.' Nemetta gasped as he realized his body was moving toward it.  
It was like a magnet. 'No!' he yelled 'I don't WANT to do it! Stop  
making me do it!'  
  
It was no use fighting it. HAD to do this. Every day it was the same  
thing, and every day it worked. Was it dumb luck, or a dumb bartender?  
  
Nemetta slowly walked toward the phone that was in the kitchen,  
fighting each step. Reaching out one arm, Nemetta watched as he picked  
up the phone and began dialing.  
  
It was a familiar number. One he could dial in a coma. 555- 0667. The  
neighbor of the beast.  
  
Nemetta brought the receiver up to his head. The phone rang and a  
familiar voice picked up.  
  
'Tsabo's Bar.' Tsabo answered the ringing phone 'Birth place of the  
Rob Roy.'  
  
'Yeah, hi.' A voice on the other end said I'm looking for Mike.'  
  
'Who?' Tsabo asked.  
  
'Mike. Last name, Rotch.'  
  
'Hold on,' Tsabo answered 'I'll check.'  
  
Tsabo quickly scanned the bar, hoping that mike was right there,  
expecting a phone call. No one looked as if they were expecting a  
call. Just Phyrexian creations drinking and having a good time.  
  
'Mike Rotch!' Tsabo yelled 'Mike Rotch! Has anyone see Mike Rotch  
Lately?'  
  
The bar erupted into that all-too familiar laughter. A few grunts that  
were playing Magic nearby laughed particularly hard.  
  
'Hey, wait a minute-' Tsabo said as she lifted the phone back up to  
hear head, now understanding what had just happened. 'You again!' she  
yelled into the phone 'If I ever get my hands on you, I'm going to  
take out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!' That said, she slammed the  
receiver down amid laughter that was coming from the other line.  
  
'You know,' a grunt said as he approached the bar 'It's been a while  
since we've seen Your Rack either.'  
  
Tsabo took the comment to thought while she brought her head down on  
the bar quite a few times.  
  
'Nothing ever changes.' She said to herself between head-hits.  
  
Nemetta could barely stand as he continued laughing. It was so easy  
getting Tsabo like that. Not only did she fall for it every time, he  
did it all the time. It was quite the funny afternoon activity, but it  
was all worth it in the end.  
  
Content with his wackiness, Nemetta grabbed his keys and headed for  
the door. Stopping next the wall that held Rith, Nemetta turned the  
security device on. If anything happened, both he and the rest of the  
Yavamian forest would be warned about it. Once the system was turned  
on, Nemetta headed out the door towards Serra's dwelling.  
  
Nemetta walked up the stone path to Serra's. He was double parked on  
the street, so he would have to make it quick. Knocking on Serra's  
door, Nemetta looked around him. It was another nice day in the  
clouds. The sun was out, birds were singing, Angels flying around. Yes  
indeed, a nice place to be. If you don't mind becoming a woman once  
you died. But that was a long story.  
  
Usually Serra would have answered by now. Nemetta looked in the window  
that was on the door. Everything looked normal, but he did not see  
Serra. HE knocked again, butt his time he heard something.  
  
Off to his right, Nemetta heard something move in the shrubs that  
adorned the front of Serra's house. Stepping off the front porch,  
Nemetta cautiously made his way toward the movement.  
  
Coming within 10 feet of the shrub, something groaned in pain. Last  
time he had checked, trees did not make open complaints. Well, Nemetta  
could hear them. That was what he did. He could talk to them as well,  
but that involved rooting himself in the ground, but after what  
happened last time, he had vowed not to do that in public again.  
  
Pushing the bush back, Nemetta saw what he had feared.  
  
Serra was sleeping drunk under the plant. A few empty bottles were  
next to her. Same story every day. By the look of things, Serra had  
gotten her monthly bottle of imported booze, and had drunk it on the  
spot. The packaging told that tale.  
  
Not wasting any time, Nemetta, with some difficulty, picked up serra  
and brought her over to his lime green Kia. Unlocking the back door,  
Nemetta dragged Serra in with him. Once she was clear of the doors,  
Nemetta climbed back out and closed the door.  
  
Looking around, Nemetta noticed that a few other angels had seen him  
stash Serra in the back. Evidently they did not think it strange as  
the kept walking. Nemetta shrugged and opened the drivers' side door.  
Getting in, he started the engine and pulled onto the street.  
  
Turning onto the highway that was a few hundred feet down the road,  
Nemetta turned on the radio. A familiar song greeted him.  
  
'We're on the highway to hell! Highway to hell!'  
  
Which was ironic, seeing as he took the off ramp to Phyrexia.  
  
Nemetta pulled into Lord of the Pit's driveway. He could see the big  
guy bumbling around his back yard still setting up the tables and  
chairs. Like promised, there were more kegs than Nemetta could count  
right off. AN educated guess would bring about 15 to 20. Nemetta  
exited his car and opened the back door.  
  
Serra had vomited once or twice, causing Nemetta to pull over and  
clean it put before the smell soaked into the upholstery.  
  
Lord of the Pit walked over to greet Nemetta.  
  
'Well it looks like we're all here.'  
  
'In a way.' Nemetta answered.  
  
Lord of the Pit looked at him strangely.  
  
'Help me with this.' Nemetta said as he attempted to drag Serra out of  
the back 'she's kind of heave for a small forest dweller.'  
  
Lord of the Pit picked Serra up out of the car and headed for the back  
year, angel in arms. Sure, it might have looked real strange if it was  
anyone but Lord of the Pit, but anyone that saw him, if they did,  
would understand who he is and who she was. From some reason, it just  
worked between the three of them.  
  
Lord of the Pit walked out back and put the sleeping angel in a lawn  
chair. He even turned her on her side so she would not drown if she  
vomited again. He was really a nice guy, a misunderstood demon really.  
Lord of the Pit took off his Yankees hat and wiped the sweat that had  
accumulated.  
  
'Who wants a burger?' he asked.  
  
'Why not.' Nemetta answered 'Tis the season to eat meat off the  
grill.'  
  
Lord of the Pit nodded and opened the grill. He was about to pick one  
up, but stopped.  
  
'It's not that easy.' Lord of the Pit said 'What kind of meat do you  
want?'  
  
'I get a choice?' Nemetta asked.  
  
'Name it and I have it.' Lord of the Pit replied.  
  
'Anything marinated in Daniels!' Serra yelled from her unconscious  
state.  
  
Lord of the Pit laughed, as did Nemetta.  
  
The funny thing is, when Lord of the Pit laughs, a small hail of  
flaming brimstone comes out with it. When he laughed, a small chunk of  
brimstone hit the ground and rolled under an unoccupied lawn chair.  
Normally, this would have been no problem, but the bag of 10 years  
worth of fireworks was stored under it.  
  
Well, I don't have to tell you the resulting explosion was not only a  
big one, but also quite the damned good looking one. The best  
explosion Hell had ever seen in fact.  
  
And as for the hero's that were standing next to it, well, they were  
covered head to toe in carbon, and only their very cartoon like eyes  
were the only thing visible.  
  
'What the hell was that?' Nemetta asked, though his mouth did not  
move.  
  
'10 years worth of fireworks, all going off at once.' Lord of the Pit  
responded.  
  
'Cool.' Nemetta said before falling over, Lord of the Pit right behind  
him.  
  
Serra walked out of the house with a beer in hand. She looked over her  
downed friends.  
  
'Well,' she said to no one 'When in Rome.' She drank the beer as fast  
as she could and passed out.'  
  
'Bombs away.' Yawgmoth said to himself as he dropped another cherry  
bomb into the small crowd of Phyrexians below. It exploded, sending  
the amassed trooped into a fight.  
  
'I love this job' He said as Bob walked in.  
  
Bob was Yawgmoth's own personal guard. He was always next to Yawgmoth,  
meant for advising him and taking a bullet if necessary. But instead  
of advising, Bob would normally be the one to make plans for Yawgmoth  
himself. He was a tad incompetent when it came to thinking. Everyone  
knew that much.  
  
'Bob,' Yawgmoth called from his window. Bob jogged over to his master.  
  
'Yes lord?' bob inquired.  
  
'I grow bored of these small explosives. Get me something bigger, will  
you?'  
  
Bob bowed and ran off to one of Yawgmoth's many closets. In this one  
he opened, Yawgmoth kept a small assortment of explosives and weapons.  
These were a last resort option if anyone attempted to come in and  
assassinate him.  
  
Bob grabbed a pocket full of grenades and ran them back to Yawgmoth.  
  
'Ooh,' Yawgmoth said 'pretty.' He pulled a sin, popped the spoon and  
dropped it. The resulting explosion as a bigger one than the small  
cherry bombs had creates.  
  
Chunks of metal burst apart form the grenade and impacted into the  
surrounding monsters. They got pissed at each other and started  
brawling again. Yawgmoth loved this.  
  
'That's quite the way you celebrate the 4th of July.' Bob  
complemented.  
  
'What?' Yawgmoth asked as he turned from the window 'today's the 4th?'  
  
'Independence Day.' Bob said 'the time of year we celebrate our  
independence? We light off fireworks, have cookouts, grill things,  
decorate.'  
  
'I had no idea.' Yawgmoth said 'we we'll have to do something, wont  
we?'  
  
'If your eminence wishes.' Bob said 'what would you like to do in  
order to celebrate the 4th?'  
  
'I'd like a huge display of colorful lights in the sky. One so big  
that all of hell would remember it. Something absolutely stupendous.  
That and a steak. I've not had a steak in so long. Can you do that for  
me Bob?'  
  
'I believe it will not be a problem my lord.' Bob said 'I'll start on  
the fireworks right now. Before you know it we'll have the biggest  
display of-'  
  
Bob was cut off by a series of explosions coming form the West. Both  
Yawgmoth and Bob ran over to the window. Off in the West, a series of  
fireworks were going off. It was absolutely huge. Lighting up the  
entire void of Hell, Yawgmoth was fascinated. This lasted for about 15  
minutes.  
  
'Bob,' Yawgmoth said 'that was amazing. I've never seen anything done  
so fast.'  
  
'Thank you my lord.' Bob said, unsure of what the hell just happened  
'It was nothing.'  
  
'Bob,' Yawgmoth said 'How would you like a promotion?'  
  
'I would not turn it down lord.' Bob admitted.  
  
'Come with me.' Yawgmoth commanded 'We have some paperwork to fill  
out.'  
  
Dominaria shook that night as fireworks raged out of every volcano and  
crevice that cut to hell. Dominaria was treated to a display of  
fireworks, courtesy of Lord of the Pit. That night, all of Dominaria  
celebrated their independence. Sky filled with explosions of colored  
lights.  
  
Happy 4th of July Dominaria, Happy 4th of July. 


End file.
